Wedding Melee by Miko WAM f,f


Wedding Melee by Miko WAM f,f

The wedding was off. Audrey and her sisters stood in the reception hall, uncomprehending. Their brother was to have been married today, June 11, 1957, to Shirley-from-Lido-Heights. They had always loathed that neighborhood and had always harbored an antipathy for the little rich girl. But they loved their brother, who had never hurt anyone, and was now to remain a bachelor because Shirley-from- Lido-Heights had gone out with another boy during their engagement.

It was Nellie who had thought of their plan to win back the honor of their family, to avenge the injustice Shirley-from-Lido-Heights had done unto them. Since the lavish wedding and reception were canceled, Shirley-from-Lido Heights and her odious family would be returning to the banquet hall to transfer the enormous amount of pastries back to the refrigerated confines of Shirley-from-Lido-Heights' family await the next marital victim, thought Audrey. Her sisters Nellie and Victoria accompanied her in the shadows of the dark second-story hall, waiting to pounce. It would be any moment now. They had waited there since they received the news from Sarah, Shirley's best friend, who had inadvertently slipped the news to them while they prepared for the day's festivities.

The banquet hall was in fact situated over Shirley's family bakery, where her father entertained the Lido Heights elite. Now the hall was filled to capacity with hundreds of the family's creations. Pies, cakes, cream puffs, bombes, all in celebration of the now-defunct union between Shirley and the sisters' families. The sisters heard a voice and climbing sounds coming up the steps to the hall.

Shirley emerged, still wearing her voluminous bridal gown, skirts ballooning out on petticoats from the May Company made the sisters sick with jealousy at the imagined cost. The nerve! Her veil is still over her face as if to continue her charade and mockery. Shirley made her way to the center of the hall, sighing at the sight of uneaten and, more importantly, unadmired pastries. The sisters stepped out from their shadows and appeared in a circle around Shirley, their party dresses flaring with their huffy and indignant arrival.

"How COULD you do this to our brother, Shirley?" asked Audrey, glaring menacingly at the startled bride.

"Do what? What do you mean?" replied Shirley nervously. She backed up slowly, aware of the full tables around her.

"THIS is what we mean!" said Victoria. She had picked up a large heavy yellow cake on the table next to her, with two hands. Nellie reached forth and flung Shirley's veil over her head, while Victoria rushed in with the cake. It burst across Shirley's face, obliterating it in a fluffy yellow and white drippy mess. Glops of cake oozed from her head, thudding heavily onto her bare shoulders and covering her triple pearl necklace. The plastic base slowly fell from her face, coming to rest under her gown's bodice, leaving a trail of heavy gobs of cake.

Shirley gasped, shocked at this unexpected assault. Her entire head was engulfed with the rich cake, and dollops fell from around her mouth as she gasped. Yellow drops tumbled onto her white gown and into her cleavage. Audrey wasted no time following suit. She hefted a particularly weighty chocolate cream pie in her left hand and picked up a custard in the right. She delivered a one-two to Shirley's oozing face, alternately smearing it with dark brown chocolate, white cream, and yellow custard. The tins eventually fell away, leaving the islands of crust to slowly begin their downward slide.

Shirley raised her gloved hands in shock, approaching her messy face, not knowing where to begin clearing the sugary slime. Her immaculate white dress was stained to the petticoats from the pie fallout, her hair matted back from the heavy cream. Suddenly, just as Audrey stepped back to admire her handiwork, she was roughly spun around. Her ruffly party dress floated from the rush of centrifugal air. A dark cherry cream pie smacked into her still-grinning face, blowing pink strands of the pie onto the wall behind her. Her laughing face disappeared underneath two inches of pastry, the tin adhering to her head.

Nellie craned to see the origin of this new assault when she felt a hand on her neck. Her entire head was plunged into a pink bombe cake, leaving only her pillbox hat on the surface, like a ship on a pink sea. Her blue sailor's dress waved upwards, and her white stockings were speckled pink from the cake's explosion. Her white-gloved hands twitched on impact, then curled flat as she slowly pulled her face from the thick pink mass. It glistened with pink and dark blue; it was an experimental strawberry cake with a new type of synthetic blueberry that Shirley's father had been testing. It stuck tenaciously to Nellie's hat and face.

Only Victoria was spared this new onslaught, which turned out to be Shirley's mother, who had come to her daughter's rescue.

"Why?" Shirley's mother asked.

"Why have you girls done such a thing to my daughter? She was not to blame for this! It was Sarah spreading her lies! She was jealous of Shirley marrying such a wonderful boy as your brother!"

The sisters looked at each other as best they could, dumbfounded. They looked at Shirley, who still had not cleared away the pie and cake adorning her once-lovely face. She was trying to say something, but the rich coating on her face muffled her. Victoria hurried over to help Shirley. Shirley was stumbling about, bending over to allow gravity to do its work on the heaviest clumps...and tripped up Victoria, who fell backward to the floor, flailing at a table for support.

Her dress bloomed and spread on the floor, and the support on the table's end gave way, with Victoria looking up at fate. For a split second, she saw the entire table's inventory of cream pies, cakes, and pastries slide rapidly toward her. She closed her eyes in anticipation of the accident. Dozens of pastries fell off the table and onto poor Victoria, who was quickly submerged in an ocean of cream pies and cakes, all plopping and bursting heavily onto her face and blouse.

The mess formed a mountain of ooze over Victoria. It ran in many colors, spreading in a circular pattern across her lacy collar and shoulders. All the women gaped in utter disbelief in Victoria's misfortune. Victoria laid still under the pile of gunge for a second or two, then rose, propping herself up onto her elbows precariously. The mess of two dozen pies and cakes slopped over her head and down her blouse, her back, her neck, and into her lap and wide skirts. The front of her body was completely indistinguishable under the thick mass of pastry.

"Yoo Hoo!" came a voice from the street.

"It sounds like you're having a great time up there! Mind if I join you?" Shirley, who by now had achieved sight, went to the large window over the street, her gown dragging from the weight of her pie strikes. Her mother joined her. Below, on the street, wearing a fancy green striped dress, also propped out with petticoats, a white handbag, and a bow at the neck, was Sarah, the source of the whole debacle.

Unbeknownst to Sarah, her story had come out with unfortunate results for the two affected families. Shirley and her mother looked at each other.

"Wait right there, Sarah, we'll bring this party to you!" cried Shirley. Sarah stared up, wondering what was going on up there. It sounded like they were moving something big. It had to be good! She tugged at her bow and played with her skirts, hoping to make this entrance to the party one to remember. She looked up, ready for her grand introduction.

With the help of her mother and the messy sisters, Shirley wheeled over her wedding cake, a huge three-tiered affair with large amounts of frosting and layers upon layers of thick marshmallow filling. Together, with Nellie opening the window, they lofted it out.

Sarah gazed in horror at the cake, which plummeted with Zen accuracy towards her head. Like Victoria, she grimaced at her destiny. The cake engulfed Sarah's whole upper half, coming to a halt at waist level, still intact. A slapping/gurgling/gooping sound was heard quite clearly above. Sarah had taken on an absurd hourglass shape, her skirts forming the bottom bell and the cake forming the top.

Finally, the cake which had pinned Sarah's arms and small handbag to her sides fell away along its central axis, slopping to earth in a circle around Sarah's white form. The girls all hurried down to the street level to marvel at Sarah, who had turned into a veritable cream statue. They all took turns running their index fingers along with Sarah, dipping into the cake which covered Sarah like a thick suit of armor. Sarah's head, shoulders, and torso were utterly and hopelessly coated with cake remnants three inches thick, ruining a new hairdo, beret, and dress. Shirley and the sisters at that moment began planning the new wedding celebration, with renewed enthusiasm.

February 26, 2022 10:54 PM