Roadside Slapstick by Joanna Hay
The long snake of traffic along the single-lane highway through the backwoods of Georgia in the hot summer sun had slowed to a stop. All car windows had been rolled down, and passengers were gasping for air and fanning themselves with anything they could hold. One red van had completely overheated and lay, broken down, on the side of the road. The van’s residents,a group of four young women (one black, two white, and one Asian) were leaning and sitting on their hot vehicle.
Each woman wore a sleeveless summer dress down to the knees. The image of their bras and bikini ******* is shown through their dresses. My van had been blocked in, bumper to bumper, by the traffic. The collection of sixty cream-and-chocolate-pudding pies and cream-and cherry pies in my trunk was melting fast. I knew it would be impossible for me, or anyone else, to eat them all. So, I had to think fast.
When I saw the women on the side of the road, my mind raced with excitement about the thought of these lovely women covered in pie. Luckily,I had my camcorder with me. So, with my heart pounding, I took the only possible logical and courageous leap of faith: I popped out of my car with the camcorder, raced to the women, and asked if they would mind using up my pies in a pie fight and if they’d mind if I filmed it.
To my utter surprise and great joy, they all said, “yes”, realizing they were not going anywhere for a while, and there was a nearby stream in which to wash off. I raced back to my van and quickly began unloading racks of pies before the traffic started moving again. Luckily, it didn’t. I raced back to the van of stranded female beauties with the pies. They stood there, hands on their hips, looking at me with great curiosity, wondering who would be getting it first.
Not even realizing who the first pie target was, I had picked up a creamy pudding pie and SMUSHED it all over the face of one of the two white women. She stood there with her face looking like one black-and-white smear going round the boundary of her face.
Her three friends IMMEDIATELY started laughing at her predicament, as did the passengers in the long line of stalled traffic. They were hooting and hollering at her virgin messy slapstick public humiliation.
The poor pied girl turned to her black friend, with a similar pie in her hand. “You wouldn’t Dare!” her friend admonished. But, instantly the cream pie was in her face, being mushed up and down her features. The two pied girls just stood there, with long slow gooey drips of pie coming off their faces, and crowds of onlookers laughing from their cars.
Before the first two pie-ees could take it out on their remaining female buddies, I couldn’t resist the urge to pre-empt their attack. I just HAD to do two girls at once. So, with similar pudding pies, one in each hand, I stood in front of the other white girl and the Asian woman. For a moment, they stood with their mouths agape.
Then, in the next moment, my hands had slapped a big cream pie into each of their very cute and pretty faces. The first two females were still too blinded to see what was going on, but all four of them heard the uproarious laughter of the crowd and felt the tingling rush of being the center of humiliating attention.
Pretty soon, the four ladies were no longer acting lady-like as they took turns smearing and slapping the gooey, dripping pies into each others’ faces, and being blinded as they could not make out the identity of the woman they were pieing. Their faces and hair were now all a big pile of goop, which sank down to their chests.
The stuck traffic laughed and laughed as the pies were slowly exhausted. By the end of it, each female had received at least 15 pies in the face each, which eventually covered their entire bodies, due to the sheer mass of each pie (4 pounds of goop each). They each looked like they had been completely gunged.
In return for this great scene, I had tried to fix their van. But, all I succeeded at doing was releasing the emergency brake. The van immediately started careening down the shoulder of the narrow road. The four gooped-up girls tried in vain to hold onto their van but, instead, each girl succeeded at snagging their dress in a wheel.
As I tried to steer and regain control of the van from the driver’s seat, the van’s wheel instantly tore off the women’s dresses, leaving them gasping and covering their bra-and-*****-and-pie-covered bodies out in full view of the public.
The hooting and hollering of the trapped passengers reached a deafening level as if they were giving the final curtain call to a great act, which they were.
The four females beauties, now without their red van behind which to hide, and embarrassed by their partial ****** and pie-covered faces and bodies, ran around in circles trying to hide.
But, realizing that the audience was only laughing more at their predicament, not less, after two minutes they ran off into the woods to look for that stream in which to wash off which they remember passing by once before.
And, damn… after all that, I totally had forgotten to get it on film.